Day 23 of SARS-CoV-2 Diary

The Day of Reckoning

So it's been 3 full weeks of quarantine practices and it's time to take count. I am terribly behind on all my school work. The first 2 weeks I nearly achieved the 'blissful' state of emotional breakdown from trying too hard, but not accomplishing anything. 

One of the lessons was, that I am not a school. Also, I can be a teacher, but not the way teachers are. I also realized that best pedagogical approaches are not applied by all teachers, some teachers prefer their rigid ways and there is NOTHING I can do about it unless I want t go to full out war. So I stopped asking for help. I tried forcing homework. I tried waiting until she does it. I tried planning with her how this homeschooling could be working for her. We came up with strategies together. They all failed miserably. And me with them. A total roller coaster of emotions, while my own school work was failing. At one point I told my mom that this is not sustainable, me nagging on her, sitting with her, asking, pleading, punishing and still arriving at the end of the day without her having done even half of what was assigned. I can teach her, but at which cost? By dropping out of my own? I want to study, so I should be studying, instead of trying to convince the one who doesn't want to study, do it. 

I understand her, the materials she has from school are BORING. Repetitive boring. Also, she engages with social pressure, and I am not enough social pressure for her. And she is really smart, she can figure out things. Then tonight I thought that maybe I can say Fuck you! to the school and teach her what she needs to know in a more entertaining way. Maths is effing fun when you make it about real life. Her eyes lit up when I told her to calculate the surface of a door so she knows how much paint she will need to recoat it. This gave me hope for the first time in 3 weeks. Perhaps I can make it work without the help of the stupid school? 

Another lesson was, that I need to take time for myself specifically, so now I have an hour of yoga every morning and without even batting an eye, I will take a few hours a day to get out of the house. I cannot be super productive, I have about 4-5 hours of very intense work with kids popping in and out, and then I am brain dead. No point in sitting at my computer further and thinking about how I want to kill myself because I can't accomplish all that I wanted to in one sitting. Today I cleaned our old raspberry bush and raked some leaves. It's now prepared to be fertilized and topped up with fresh soil, so that maybe this summer, but surely next year, we will have some nice strong raspberry bushes. Tomorrow it's time to prune the Jasmine and then cherry trees. 

The third big lesson was that complaining doesn't help. In order to protect my own sanity, I decided that for the first time in my life, I will allow shortcuts to myself and I will stop trying to do too many things by myself. This realization came like an 'aha!' moment in the middle of a marketing meeting when I just asked if anyone in the group would like to step up and lead the webinars we were planning. And someone did! And I felt so relieved, immediately. I have been loading all sorts of things on my shoulders because I thought I had to do it, being responsible for it and then feeling overloaded with tasks to accomplish. 

I'll write about remote working and masks and of my 'public behavior' tomorrow. Now off to bed at nearly 1AM. 

Day What of SARS-CoV-2 Diary

I Lost Count Day

If I see another article on how we should all do self-improvement classes while we are in quarantine, I'm going to scream. I have never, never had such an intense nerve-racking period in my life.

It is now two weeks that I have been a full-time mother, a teacher, a cook, a purchaser, a transportation worker, a play companion, a student, a judge (of neverending sibling squabbles and fights), a mental health worker, a communications officer and non-expert-in-training-to-become-an-expert (in a crisis situation with everyone's nerves firing off in all directions), and a maid who is training for half-marathon. I am much more, obviously, but there is just not enough paper in the world to start describing it.

I consider myself a failure in all these positions I currently occupy, because - come on! - it's all too much. I would just love to throw my feet on the wall and enjoy being with my family, but most of the time I just try to not explode - there is not a minute in my day when I can have my thoughts to myself in silence and I have constant interruptions to whatever I do. I still explode.

I wrote a long rant to my friend on Whatsapp today of all the things that are shit, then deleted it, because it convinced me that I have to drop out of university and stop doing the work that is interesting and challenging on a personal level and just be the slave to my family, cause they won't rest until I do. This is not a good place to be for me, right now.

So, if anyone tells me again: "Why don't you ask for help?!?", I'm gonna punch them in their face. This is the luxury I have no access to. 

Day 7 of SARS-CoV-19 Diary

The Day of Exhibition preparation

I picked up the projector yesterday. Next Wednesday we are supposed to put up an exhibition - it was supposed to be a real one and we had everything thought through for it, but suddenly all REAL life was canceled and everything became virtual. We now have virtual concerts and live plays on Facebook, so everything happens in bedrooms online. SO, I and Marleen have a very vague idea of how this will run, the only certainty is that we have a deadline, no chance of getting together, and a lack of skills. Also, did I mention we have no time? This is short of panic. Nothing to exhibit, 5 days to produce something that doesn't make us regret it. Also, working in pairs is always a matter of finding the middle ground, which in my opinion means sacrificing your thoughts and feelings - therefore it becomes more a craft and less art. Well, at least this is what I felt today, added to the complete disinterest towards this project at this time when the World is boiling over around me.

Anyways, I spent the whole afternoon figuring it out and setting the scene up. Then I wanted to film our set up and ran into a problem.  Turns out projectors are terrible - they only eat what they want and when it's not spot on what you serve them they throw a tantrum. In short, the projector refused to show the video Marleen had put together. That took us the whole evening and we didn't even solve it.

Tomorrow is another day?

Day 6 of SARS-CoV-2 Diary

The Study Day

Today's highlight was the first online course day. The majority of my professors have turned out to be rather passive, but one professor (hi Joonas!) takes it seriously and doesn't refer us to 'just look at the slides and here is an interesting article'.
I got up at 5:30AM to read an article and summarize it. I finished at 8AM. I thought I would have time later in the morning to read the second article, too. But! There is a fail in this idea of homeschooling. It doesn't actually work if you don't have an adult watching over the shoulder of a pre-teen. I know, that she doesn't take her studying seriously - individual learning is hard, I know, but there is not even an effort from her side. because the external structure (school lessons, teachers) fell off, she doesn't do it. Unfortunately, our teacher is also very traditional, so the tasks are like any other homework. No digging deep, no investigating, no elaboration. Sucks! The best way to kill curiosity is to make this world dull.
My own lectures were challenging. First, keeping the attention on the lecture was hard. Putting a machine between humans immediately takes away the fascination we have towards each other's body language, facial expressions, and movement. It all becomes much more monotone, though the people have not changed since last we met in class. I have noticed this before as well. You may really care for your friends, but when you talk to them through a device you are only half invested in them.
Another curious point to note is, that the students were much more talkative and ready to give an opinion in an online class. The chat was active, questions were asked, discussions were started. Is there something in being one-to-one that puts people off from saying their minds?
4 hours of online classes were tough though. I find regular school days much kinder to my energy levels.

Day 5 of SARS-CoV-2 Diary

Days start to blur

The funny thing is that at moments my brain is convinced that there is actually no pandemic problem. Looking out it looks totally normal, like any day at home, and my sense of caution is lulled for a minute. Moments like this I say to myself that the whole world is overreacting. For now, the wise part of my brain has regained control and common sense returned. I wonder how many people have the same sensation take over without the returning reason. Looking at all the cars parked at the recreation areas, I'd say there are many whose cautions is lulled to sleep or who haven't realized the possible and probable consequences of such mass gatherings. Also, it's a clear indication of how cities are not planned to serve the need for outdoor activity.  

It was a rainy day today, but during lunch hour is stopped raining. It's also my half-marathon training day - yes, I started to train for half-marathon in August - that meant a necessary run time. I usually suffer through it alone, or so far I have suffered through all my runs alone. Loore really wanted to come along to ride her bike, I was a little hesitant, but then I thought I can always reroute if she is tired and drop her off. She actually rode the whole 5 km without much of complaint and only crashing into me once. She was proud of her achievement and I found running like this more motivating. I had to battle with my prone-to.quit-brain much less. 

I am finding it hard also to understand what day it is. Since the days are not structured via external structures, like lectures or appointments, you don't make much difference to them. For now, weekdays and weekends were agreed to have the same rhythm, but I feel that maybe we may have to modify weekends to have a different schedule. 

Day 4 of SARS-CoV-2 diary

The Emotional Overload Day

I had such a hard day concentrating today. The kids complied with the rules exceptionally well. Of course, Lea still took every chance to turn to her iPad - this time allocation will have to be curbed, despite the fact that she was talking to her friends on it. Schoolwork isn't much for her as well. Hopefully, it'll increase, cause having just a few exercises doesn't do the trick for actual learning.

Me on the other hand, despite the silence for so many hours, I couldn't concentrate and start my tasks.  I finished only one of 3 I thought I would be doing today. I just battled with myself and then gave in, battled and gave in.

I got kids to bed and then the tears came. I had read stories from Italy, the good ones and the heartbreaking ones. I thought I had brushed them aside, but they stuck somewhere deep. Then while I posted an image of my mom reading a newspaper and my cat sleeping next to her, the sudden realization washed over me. She is over 60. She is robust, sporty, healthy - but still, she is in that age group which is the hardest hit. This was something that had slipped my attention before. Or actually, it hadn't sunk in. The emotional realization truly connected me to the whole world - of those in the battle, of those trying to weather it out, of those who are waiting for the storm to hit, of those unaware of the damage this will do.

At the same time, I still and every minute, believe that THIS is the chance for humankind to mend its ways, to start truly living and not consuming, to start caring and sharing, to start being a gardener of this planet.

On the good news, I am not using every trick in my treasury to make sure we don't waste food. Not that it will run out, but I don't want to go to supermarkets. And I can't order, cause all the delivery slots are full for more than a week. So, I make everything count, don't waste any. Hey, I even started saving carrot and onion tops, external leaves of leaks etc. for making a vegetable broth later. All nicely frozen. Always knew about it, finally doing it!

Tomorrow is another day, so I will have another go at being productive. I wouldn't want to waste this opportunity to do things I WANT to do.

Spring is coming, too. It's so beautiful. 

Day 3 of SARS-Cov-2 diary

Family day

Really nice weather outside. Sunny, warmer than yesterday, not much wind either. Loore used it well, learned to get on her bike and off again. She can now cycle without helping wheels. A few more days of practice and she can start using her big-girl bike. 

Lots of kids were out on bicycles. Bad thing - no adult supervision, so in my opinion, they didn't keep enough distance.

I went for a run in the forest and even adults don't keep enough distance. There were lots of people out there, but seriously, social distancing means social distancing. DISTANCE! Less than a meter doesn't do the trick. 

Also, nice to see teenagers out and about in nature. BUT not in groups. 

Also, so many idiots spit on the ground. It made me feel very unsafe. Folks really don't understand what this means to public health.

Later I saw a video of tens of cars parked near access route to Viru bog - the footpath there is less than a meter wide and generally, people walk the first 1,5kms only, then turn back. That means there were hundreds of people there today within meters of each other. This shows so clearly that for modern city folk nature means human-controlled areas. And those are narrow and few. Supports the theory that within one generation the knowledge of nature has turned into the anxiety of nature. This dictates our modern world, makes the battle for a thriving environment times harder and gives leeway to capitalistic exploitation of our planet.

I will not run on the official paths anymore, I'm hitting my secret paths from now on. 

Oh, and my coursemate just announced, he has a fever. We sat side by side on Wednesday in class.

And the minister of social sphere said a few minutes ago that if we are lucky and have done enough, the reduction of new cases will happen mid-April. Better get ready to stay at home for months. Thank god for our garden!

I need to start taking notes for this diary. I forgot everything I wanted to write about.

Tomorrow we will see whether our study-work plans become a functioning reality or a glamorous failure. I'll need to go shopping soon, so many people eating 3 meals at home every day, really depletes reserves.